Friendship.

Define friendship. It's difficult for me to put my finger on what I believe to be the true definition. The truth is that there isn't just one definition. It's an amalgamation of values, morals and principles. The more there are, the stronger the bond. The depth of desire we have for one another is based on trust,honesty, sympathy/empathy, the give and take. The yearning for each others company should be natural not forced, and most certainly unconditional. All these factors combine and form the "best friends" relationship.

My best friend is truly irreplaceable. She is no longer in this world with me and that is the reason I cannot bring myself to label another my "best friend". To me the term is almost sacred, once used it can never be transferred. That is not to say I do not value those that are still around me, of course I do, they have stuck with me through thick and thin, and consoled me through times of hardship. But I have lost the person I grew up with, the one I spent my formative years around. It hit me hard, her passing, it still hurts and renders me forever mind-numbingly anguished. From baking rock solid cakes at 7 years old, squirting henna into each others eyes, getting in trouble for sneaking out past our curfews, to sharing first school dances with each other and getting excited over how to dress each other. For me these are the normal things friends experience. Memories truly do last a lifetime. I mean it is indefinitely impossible to eradicate the amount of memories we have made. It was, and is the ultimate euphoria I will ever feel. To others, she was a quiet one, shy, and extremely lacking in confidence. Or so they thought. Once you got past first impressions of the timid, homely, quiet looking girl - she was a burst of pure happiness and delight. Always veraciously scouting for the fun factor in everything we did. 

Death, is a funny thing. When she passed away, the allusion of immortality faded rapidly. I knew death. As young as I was, I did not care for teachers, counselors, or my parents telling me that pain was inevitable. Shutting them out seemed much easier. The angered mind of a young stroppy pre teen then came about, duly noted by all. I felt like everything was against me. What did they know? How dare they tell me what I was feeling? Or asking me to elaborate on my emotions? Engulfed in what seemed like a harsh, eye-stinging blizzard in my head, all senses consequently numbed. I slowly stepped back from everything and anyone, and cut off friends and family in search of something that was more tranquil. Peace of mind.  

I don't believe you ever "get over" death. The notion that time heals everything, springs to mind. You just learn to adapt to it, pushing all the responsive reactions/thoughts to the inner recesses of your mind, just to litter it with other dusty thoughts.  

Have I found peace of mind? That is the question that constantly boomerangs it's way back. I don't think I have, but who's to say I wont.

There isn't a day that goes by without me sitting down and reminiscing. It's a given. Whether it is for a few seconds or however long I want, sitting pondering and mulling our life together helps. Remembering her smile and the silly antics we got up to, brings a smile to my face. It helps the numbness still lodged there, subside, even if it is only for a moment. 

SK